LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics
(mathematically precise version)
- You can't win.
- You can break even only on a very cold day.
- It never gets that cold.
Murphy's Law:
If anything can go wrong, it will. (Not written by Murphy but by another man with the same name.)
Murphy's Seven Original Laws:
- In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
- Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will go wrong, is the one that will do the most damage.
- Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
- Mother Nature is a bitch.
- If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something.
Levy's Nine Laws of the Disillusionment of the True Liberal —Marion J. Levy, Jr.
- Large numbers of things are determined, and therefore not subject to change.
- Anticipated events never live up to expectations.
- That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as a liberal inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow minded and bigoted segments of the community.
(Marion Stanley Kelley, Jr.'s Reformulation: Last guys don't finish nice.)
- Always pray that your opposition be wicked. In wickedness there is a strong strain toward rationality. Therefore, there is always the possibility, in theory, of handling the wicked by outthinking them.
Corollary one: Good intentions randomize behavior.
Corollary Two: If good intentions are combined with stupidity, it is impossible to outthink them.
- In unanimity, there is cowardice and uncritical thinking.
- To have a sense of humor is to be a tragic figure.
- To know thyself is the ultimate form of aggression.
- No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
- Only God can make a random selection.
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Aigner's Axiom:
- No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will seek to modify the results.
- The Airplane Law:
- When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
- Baruch's Observation:
- If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
- Suslick's Surgical Extension:
- If all you have is a scalpel, everything needs a suture.
- Bedfellow's Rule:
- The one who snores will always fall asleep first.
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Berliner's Law:
- Don't worry about what people think of you. They don't.
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Berliner's Mother's Observation, a.k.a the Guiding Force of the Cosmos:
- IAOIO: The Innate Animosity of Inanimate Objects.
- Berra's Second Law:
- Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
- Blair's Observation:
- The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
- Bucy's Law:
- Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
- The Bureaucracy Principle:
- Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.
Cole’s Law:
- thinly sliced cabbage.
Dedera's Law of Probabilities:
- In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor where you are not.
Dlott's Law of Certainties:
- The more actual data there is, the less certain the explanation.
Suslick's Religious Corollary: When there is no data, there is complete certainty.
Etorre's Observation:
- The other line always moves faster.
- First Law of Aviation:
- Takeoff is optional, landing is compulsory.
First Law of Debate:
- Never argue with a fool -- people might not know the difference.
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Law of Travel:
- It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
Glasner's Law:
- If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
Goldenstern's Rules:
- 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
Gourd's Axiom:
- A meeting is a event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
Gualtieri's Law of Inertia:
- Where there's a will, there's a won't.
Harris Lament:
- All the good ones are taken.
Helga's Rule:
- Say no, then negotiate.
Heller's Law:
- The first myth of management is that it exists.
Hershiser's Second Rule:
- The label "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" means the price went up.
Oliver Herford's Rule of Publishing
- A manuscript is something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Hockett's Fundamental Principle of Mathmaticizing:
- If you know exactly how to, you don't have to!
Howden's Law:
- You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox.
Howe's Law:
- Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Munder's Corollary to Howe's Law:
- Everyone who does not work has a scheme that does.
Imbesi's Law of the Conservation of Filth:
- In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty.
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Freeman's Extension:
- … but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
- No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
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Las Vegas Law:
- Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is bound to change.
Law of Probable Dispersal:
- Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
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Lieberman's Law:
- Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Lynch's Law:
- When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
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McDonald's Corollary to Murphy's Law's:
- In any given set of circumstances, the proper course of action is determined by subsequent events.
Meadow's Maxim:
- You can't push on a rope.
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Meyer's Law:
- In a social situation, that which is most difficult to do is usually the right thing to do.
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
- A simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
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Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
- If any idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing.
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
- The sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant; the population is growing.
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Nagler's Comment of the Origin of Murphy's Law:
- Murphy's Law was not propounded by Murphy, but my another man of the same name.
Ninety Percent Rules of Project Schedules:
- The first ninety percent of the take takes ten percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Olivier's Law:
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Pfeifer's Principle:
- Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
Pudder's Law:
- Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
The Pyrite Rule (aka, The "Not-So-Golden" Rule):
- Do unto others as was done unto you.
The Queue Principle:
- The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
Ringwald's Law of Household Geometry:
- Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
The Roman Rule:
- The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing.
Rule of the Great:
- When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.
Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy:
- If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage, you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel full of wine, you get sewage.
Suslick's Corollary to Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy:
- If you put a spoonful of science in a barrel full of politics, you get politics. If you put a spoonful of politics in a barrel full of science, you get politics.
Shapiro's Explanation:
- The grass is always greener on the other side - but that's because they use more manure.
Simon's Law of Destiny:
- Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Skoff's Law:
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
Smith's Law:
- No real problem has a solution.
Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy:
- In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow.
Stewart's Law of Retroaction:
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Suslick's Scheme of Priorities:
- If it isn't worth doing,
it isn't worth doing right.
Suslick's Law of Information Transport:
- Knowledge comes by the truckload, but wisdom arrives one mouthful at a time.
Suslick's Law of Threes:
- It always takes three times to do anything right.
The first time you either overshoot or undershoot;
the second time you either over-compensate or under-compensate;
it's not until the third time that you have a chance to get it right.
Suslick's Second Law of Threes:
- I have always found my life dividing into three parts:
things I must do, things I ought to do, and things I want to do (with the last category being the smallest, of course).
To might great relief, as I finally retired, I was delighted to find that almost nothing was left in the first category!
Suslick's Dos and Don'ts
- For every will there is a won't, for every can there is a Kant.
Suslick's Couture:
- Ties are what administrators use to cut off the flow of blood to their brains.
Suslick's Observations on Educational Strata:
- High School education is learning that which most people know.
- Undergraduate education is learning that which most people don't know.
- Graduate education is learning that which no one knows.
Suslick's Metaphorical Ego:
- Ego is a house cat.
- It's nice to stroke, but watch out for the claws;
- it needs feeding often, and heaven help you if it gets out the front door.
Suslick's Laws of Management:
- 1. There is no such thing as a pet shark.
- 2. If you bring in a shark to get rid of a shark, all you get is a bigger, meaner shark.
Suslick's First Law of Maps:
- All countries are the same size—one map page.
(Many Europeans do not realize the sense of scale of the U.S. For example, a visiting French postdoc a few years ago was bitterly disappointed to discover that he couldn't just drive from Illinois over to Colorado to go skiing for the weekend.)
Suslick's First Law of Infant Gravity:
- You can't fall off the floor.
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Suslick's Second Law of Infant Gravity:
- It takes an infant 6 months to learn this.
Suslick's Scoff:
- Cynicism is the first refuge of the romantic.
Swipple's Rule of Order:
- He who shouts loudest has the floor.
Thal's Law:
- For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
Trischmann's Paradox:
- A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
Vile's Law of Value:
- The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
Westheimer's Rule:
- To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task.
Wethern's Law of Suspended Judgment:
- Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
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